Listening to: Sink or Swim - Tyrone Wells
Reading: The Lightning Theif
Watching: X-Men First Class
Okay so I am feeling very uncomfortable as i write this, but I think you all should know. Please try and be understanding and gentle. I feel like it's something I should do but am nervous and scared shittless. I am doing this on hopes I can let people know and connect with some people...
I honestly don't think gender should matter at all in the first place. I have always felt unsure of my identity gender wise. I felt for a long time awkward in my own body since middle school when boys and girls go from looking somewhat alike to being men and women who don't look so much alike. My mom thought it was a phase, I thought it was normal to feel weird and uncomfortable in your body at that age so I thought it would pass. It never did, as I get older or got older it seemed to have just gotten worse, the anxiety and stuff. I don't think it's a phase if it lasts over 10 years.....
I am not sure if I am actually trans, it is what I label myself as right now. It's the best thing I could find to match. I feel uncomfortable with what I am, I want to be more like my ideal body. By ideal body I don't mean things you can change physically with a lot of hard work. I mean I don't want to look like or sound like what gender I actually am. I get annoyed or it makes me sick to get a card or a gift or something that states or addresses me by my actual gender. It just ruins the gift if it addresses what gender I actual am on it.
The only thing that makes me wonder about my identity is the fact that I don't mind going in men's rooms I like to, just so long as no one in around. I have lived all my life as what gender I am now. I guess it's just second nature to go into the assigned bathroom... I think it has something to do with my mom, brothers and sister-in-law and somewhat my dad saying things like "you were born the way you are. You are supposed to be what you are. God made you this gender and God doesn't make mistakes. It's just a phase. you are NOT a 'Insert wanted gender here' you are a "'insert physical gender here'! " I don't know...
I have thought many times about gender reassignment and taking hormones to become close to the gender I want many times since middle school and now. I am afraid and am steering clear of it though because I am already an unhealthy unstable person and treatments can make healthy people very ill. So that is out of the question I guess.
If anyone really wants to talk and if they don't know from the journal and want to know what gender I am physically and what gender I want to be just drop me a PM and I probably will answer your question...
I hate this. I am so confused and insecure, stressed, anxious, neglected, ignored, ridiculed, and put down, but most of all I feel uncomfortable, awkward, and very helpless and hopeless.... I honestly don't know what to think anymore....
On a second good note I have found an apartment I can move into or will be moving into and it's across the street from my college...
ART LABELING: (If I remember to use them.)
SH: Sherlock Holmes
AC: Assassin's Creed
RK: Rurouni Kenshin/Samurai X
DW: Doctor WHo
ST: Star Trek
CL: Code Lyoko
SW: Star Wars
WH: Witch Hunter Robin
LOD: Legend of Dragoon
PP: Prince of Persia
RE: Resident Evil
LOZ: Legend of Zelda
TB: Trinity Blood
P3: Persona 3
P4: Persona 4
SJ: Strait Jacket
MGS: Metal Gear Solid
TP: Treasure Planet
SSBB: Super Smash Brothers Brawl
TS: Trinity Soul
HP: Harry Potter
RS: Real Steel
(More to come when I think about it)